


In Another World

by Silmea



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love, Heartbreak, Inquisitor & Dorian Pavus Friendship, Love Triangles, Minor Iron Bull/Dorian Pavus, Romance, Sex, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Smut, Trespasser DLC, Unplanned Pregnancy, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-16
Updated: 2017-10-15
Packaged: 2018-12-16 02:41:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11819535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silmea/pseuds/Silmea
Summary: Solas left and Ellana's world fell apart, and she tries to find ways to cope but new problems arise. Without Solas at her side, Cullen tries to be the comfort and strength she needs. Cullen x Lavellan, Solas x Lavellan. (love triangle) Not related to "In the Dead of Night"Story takes place after Inquisition and leads up to and after Trespasser!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A huge, huge thank you to ThirdPretender on Archiveofourown for taking your time for much needed input, making this story feel so much more alive then it was beforehand. And to A'Rion Larent for you awesome input as well =) Also a big shout-out to Seraphcaeli that added so much more spice as well to this chapter =)  
> And to A'Rion Larent, Seraphcaeli and ThirdPretender for taking time to edit my horrible grammar so this is so much more enjoyable to read. Any remaining mistakes are my own.
> 
> This story will contain smut, and violence in future chapters. I will put a warning in the beginning of the chapter when it will happen though. Hope you will all like it, and please leave your thoughs as well :D
> 
> Now onwards to the story!

"You look absolutely stunning!" Josephine said in a girlish tone – the one Ellana had been privy to all day. They were holding an ostentatious feast tonight in Leliana's honor to celebrate her upcoming role as Divine. Both Leliana and Josephine exploited the upcoming celebration to cheer Ellana up. They wanted to make her actually enjoy what should be a happy occasion. They had her trying out dresses, new hairdos, makeup, and, of course, shoes at Leliana's request. Ellana let them, too exhausted from the constant ache she felt since Solas left. Also, there was no arguing with her spymaster.

Ellana looked at Josephine through the mirror as the brunette worked with her stubborn red curls, fashioning a thick braid into a crown around her head. Josephine hummed as she entwined a golden string into a bow at the nape of her neck, leaving not a lock of hair behind. The Antivan was much more skilled than the Inquisitor knew.

Ellana had to admit; she _did_ look beautiful, a facade to cover her inner chaos.

Josephine added flawless black lines on her eyelids, aligning them perfectly with golden shimmer that looked like the sunset.

She examined her features. Even the make-up could not cover the dark circles under her eyes and the tired expression she wore constantly since the defeat of Corypheus. It had been a month since she destroyed the crazy magister, but time didn't hold weight for her. It still felt like yesterday. She would never forget how Solas looked at her, expression tormented. The pain carried in his voice as well:

_“No matter what comes, I want you to know that what we had was real.”_

Then he was gone. She hoped...she foolishly hoped that after Corypheus was defeated  they would talk. Solas told her everything would be made clear after Corypheus. He promised her, but instead he left.

“Are you ready to try the dress?” The raven-haired woman asked, and Ellana nodded. She wished she could simply wear the formal attire she wore at the Winter Palace but, alas, no such luck. It was impossible with two, fashion-obsessed ladies like Josephine and Leliana living under the same roof.

When Ellana argued, they countered that the Winter Palace was a different occasion entirely, not at all comparable.

The dress itself was a wonder. Dark blue satin stopped just above her toes, hugged her torso like a glove, and flowed unhinged from the waist down. Golden rose petal earrings and necklace finished the delicate look Josephine was going for. Her jaw practically dropped when the ambassador dragged her to the big mirror next to her bed.

Ellana looked nothing like herself; the person in the mirror was breathtaking. Her Dalish ancestors would crawl in their graves if they saw her like this, dressed like a human noble. The fact that she no longer had her vallaslin was pouring salt into an already open wound. She touched her face for just a moment, a memory playing out before her as Solas removed it for her, revealing just how wrong the dalish were about such a critical part of their history.

It was still so strange to look at herself without her tattoo adorning her face. It had been a part of her for so long.

“Oh, Josephine,” she whispered, hands caressing the material across her belly. “I look-” she couldn’t finish her sentence, but Josephine filled in for her, clasping her hands together happily, “-beautiful. I think I have outdone myself!”

Ellana could only smile when a wave of nausea attacked. She raised her wrist to her face only to have Josephine grabbed her shoulders. A concerned expression came over the Antivan’s face, “How are you feeling?”

“I'm fine,” Ellana mumbled under her breath. It wasn’t true, but she did not want to worry a friend over temporary queasiness. She couldn’t admit that she had been having erratic spells like this for almost a week. Every day, something new revolted her. It was astonishing how such simple things - the smell of meat cooking, a sweet, honeyed cake - could summon the urge to throw up. She couldn’t fathom what was wrong.

Ellana shook the thoughts from her mind, and with new-found confidence towards the stranger in the mirror, she turned to Josephine, who just smiled at her.

“Ready to join the feast?”

“Ready as ever.”

Ellana should have been relieved, happy that her work was done. She had been many things following the weeks after their victory. The Inquisition rose even higher in regard, but instead of happy, she felt hollow.

The Herald looked at her friends and guests; she felt envious as she watched them dance, drink, and laugh. Josephine had really outdone herself. The great hall looked exceptional, decorated with people. Above them, so many chandeliers hung that the giant room glowed. Revellers basked in warmth with the help of hearths roaring merrily in every corner of the hall.

“Not a dancer either?” Varric asked, as he snuck up on her from the side.

“The dance at the Winter Palace was so exhausting. I am too traumatized to take part in any of it in the near future,” Ellana uttered in dramatic tones, brushing her chest with her fingertips. Varric chuckled warmly. It was easy to joke, but she did not want to dance because it would remind her too greatly of her precious dance with _him..._

“Well, you did save the world. I think you can grant yourself a favor.”

Ellana smiled back. Perhaps this event could help her get back on track,loosen up, and catch a glimpse of the woman she used to be. She used to be so alive, happier, a tad silly at times, but everything had been so much simpler before she had gone to the Conclave that fateful day.

The night moved on blissfully. Ellana slowly became more social than she thought she could be. Everyone who asked received the same response: “I am fine.” The mask of happiness and politeness touched everyone; she lost count after ten. Ellana trusted people would eventually stop caring about her anguish, but until then she would try a bit longer.

She knew she should appreciate that people cared, but they had no idea… she was terrified that if she talked about him, she would cry and never stop. She feared her heart would not recover if she unleashed the memories or feelings concerning Solas.

The Inquisitor was already on edge as it was. She had been feeling erratic, flippant, and her mood swings were unforeseeable. Another rush of nausea did not help either. Her cup was filled to the edge, and one more drop was all it would take to tip it over. She was on the verge of finally losing it.

“Josie really outdid herself tonight,” a smooth voice woke her from her thoughts as Leliana, ever graceful, appeared at her side. She looked radiant in a dress that was a more fashionable version of the Divine's robes.

“She really did. She ordered more tiny cakes!” Ellana stated, holding one of the said cakes in her hand as she took a small bite. Plastering a small smile on her lips, she tried to act like nothing was out of place. She wanted to sound happy, despite her own feelings.

“Of course she would have to; you ate all of them last time.” The spymaster chuckled, and Ellana had the decency to flush. She had been a wreck that night.

“Well, they are tiny. It's not a hard feat to achieve.” Ellana said, defending herself to Leliana's amusement.

“Have you heard anything from Solas?” The bard asked after a moment's silence.

Ellana swallowed down the hard ball that formed in her throat. “No....” she whispered, staring intently at the couples that were dancing in the room. Anything to divert her attention from thinking about him.

Leliana sensed this, and put a comforting hand on Ellana's forearm. “We received new intel. The village Solas mentioned he grew up in no longer exists… It existed thousands of years ago. It is dusty old ruins now. That my spies found it was mere luck.” Ellana rose a curious eyebrow at her friend. “Why would he lie about his origins?”

“I suspect he lied about many things.” Ellana's heart clenched painfully, recalling how he used a shallow excuse to break them apart after he removed her vallaslin.

He told her he didn’t wish to distract from her duties, but breaking her heart… that in itself was a debilitating distraction.

Leliana interrupted her reverie, “I know you two were close, Inquisitor. I should have examined his background more thoroughly when he joined us but with the utter chaos, I let it slide. A mistake I will never repeat again.”

Ellana nodded; she couldn't trust her voice as hot wetness prickled behind her eyes. Just thinking about him brought havoc to her body, making her feel pathetic. Everything felt wrong - amplified, almost uncontrollable. It frightened her.

“He joined the Inquisition when we needed him the most. He was the only one that knew so much about the anchor, and the breach. It was all too convenient. We still have no idea of his origins,” Leliana continued.

Ellana wished Leliana would stop talking about him. She feared if the spymaster continued, all the feelings she had been trying to repress would burst. That couldn’t happen here, at Leliana’s feast.

The soon to be Divine fell to silence as she took in Ellana's tense form, the bitten lower lip, the light trembling in her shoulders… a storm inside on the verge of unleashing.  
“I am sorry, Ellana. I should not have mentioned this,” Leliana said, voice laced with regret. She hugged Ellana then, and it was the final drop overflowing her cup.

A heart-wrenching sob loudly escaped her lips as the spymaster held her close, pressing Ellana's  
body against hers. She was usually in control of her emotions; but now it felt like she was drowning in them, not able to quell what she felt.

The dam breached, she could not contain her grief. The hurt demanded an outlet, and soon it drew attention to them.

“It will be alright.” Leliana said, rubbing small circles on Ellana's back. She knew the other woman would not want to be seen like this, but there was little she could do with the Inquisitor blindly clutching her.

A warm, masculine hand touched Ellana's shoulder. Cullen asked in a soft, caring tone, “What happened?” as he came up behind her.

Leliana just shook her head, not wanting to upset the petite woman in her arms. She and Cullen shared a look, and a silent 'Oh’ formed on his lips as the realization dawned on him.

“Can you take her to her quarters?” 

Ellana started to protest but Leliana pushed on, saying sternly, “You need to rest. I will visit you before I leave tomorrow. Do not worry, Inquisitor.”

Without the strength to argue further, Ellana nodded, feeling stares from every soul in the room follow her as Cullen held her by the shoulders and walked to her room. The worst had passed, but her shaking body lost the fight against the waterworks that dampened her cheeks and made her voice hoarse.

The Commander led her to her bed. "It won't be like this forever; the pain will fade," Cullen said, making Ellana stare at him, before nodding solemnly. It had to. She could not stand being a whimpering pile of tears. She refused to reduce herself to a lovesick fool.

"Everyday I wake up still half expecting it was a bad dream," she stopped, cracking her face into a smile that did not reach her eyes, and said, "I shouldn't bore you with this."

"You wake up, and you put on a facade to get you through the day," he concluded, his stare boring into her soul. "You say that you are fine to everyone so that we will stop treating you differently."

Cullen smiled at her, and she returned it weakly. She thought she must look dreadful with her red, puffy eyes and makeup smeared around her face.

Then it hit her; her outburst caused quite a scene, and she groaned in embarrassment. “How bad was it?” she asked, and Cullen laughed lightly.

“I believe Leliana and Josephine can quell whatever rumors would emerge from...” He trailed off, gesturing to find the correct words.

“- My meltdown?” Ellana filled in, and his cheeks reddened slightly as he nodded.

“You can go if you wish, Cullen. I believe I can handle myself, unless the bed turns into another Breach,” she joked, but her Commander held his position as he took ahold of her hand. The shiver she felt as his warmth enveloped her was involuntary. They looked at each other across the expanse of their joined hands.

“You do not have to be strong at all times, Ellana. You are as human as the rest of us.” Tears renewed their unrestrained fall down her face as he added gently, “You have seen me at my worst and provided comfort. It seems only fair I do the same for you.”

“I can't though. I am the Inquisitor,” she responded weakly; the weight of her role required that she be hard, stern, focused as stone.

“Not tonight. Not here. Here, you are Ellana. No more, no less.” His look reminded her so strongly of Solas, she looked away.

Ellana’s memories played before her like a cruel trick that she could neither stop nor silence. Her body heaved on its own, again and again. She was so exhausted that she couldn’t control the return of her wretched crying. Cullen's arms encircled her, and he shushed calmingly, eventually relaxing her enough to tuck her into bed. She let the Fade take her.


	2. Suspicions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone that left kudos. Also a big shout out to A'Rion Laurent for helping out with this chapter, to ThirdPretender that had a lot of good input to this chapter so it turned out into a much better result. And to Seraphcaeli for being awesome for her input as well and patience to fix my grammatical errors! Any remaing mistakes are my own.

_"May I be of service?"_

_Ellana jumped in surprise, too focused in her thoughts, but her lips twitched in amusement. Solas was usually more tactful when seeking her attention._

_"Unless this tent turns into an archdemon, I believe I can manage." She turned slowly to face him, her lips tugging into a seductive smile to match his own grin. She was surprised to see the lustful glint twinkling in his eyes._

_"I believe that you, Inquisitor, are capable of mastering anything you put your mind to." He spoke softly as he picked up the last rod to set up the last piece of her tent correctly. She watched him, wondering how he could look so graceful performing even the most mundane of tasks. She always managed to get mud on her face, hands or knees when she pitched her tent = and she had pitched a few in her time. She used a flicker of her magic to light the candles next to her bedroll._

_"Even you?" she asked._

_As if on cue, Solas stepped in front of her, their privacy now hidden from unwanted eyes. She sucked in a breath, waiting for his next move. He rubbed something off her cheek with his fingertips (probably mud), and stared at her vallaslin. He had been doing that quite a lot lately._

_"Especially me," he whispered quietly. Sorrow filled his eyes for a moment, yet when she blinked, it was replaced with adoration dancing with lust in deep pools of silver. He was a champion, rarely letting anyone see beneath that prideful mask. Solas hid his emotions well, under layers of impassiveness. She, on the other hand, for better or worse, showed everything she felt._

_"Are you ready? Prepared for what might come next?"_

_He changed the topic, catching her wandering gaze. Solas sounded worried about her. She was worried as well, if she was going to be completely honest with herself. Not for selfish reasons, but because so many things depended on her. The world depended on her to kill an ancient magister, his dragon and heal the Breach. All the people had put all their fate and hope on her. She just hoped she would live up to it._

_The role she had been given was not easy; it felt like a heavy stone on her shoulders. Sometimes she was afraid she would crumble under the pressure. With Solas, she never had to pretend that nothing wore her down, never had to be afraid to voice her concern._

_"Remember when you said you were curious what kind of hero I would be?" she said quietly. He seemed surprised by her response_

_"I remember," he replied._

_"What kind am I?" He contemplated his answer in silence before tilting his head to anchor his gaze into hers. She turned her head to him and he placed a finger under her chin._

_"In my journeys, far and beyond, I have seen many heroes rise and fall. I watched the countless masses fall into the darkness. I felt them succumbing to the corruption they promised to protect against. I witnessed the change in the tides."_

_He gave her a cryptic smile._

_"You show rare compassion to our enemies, one they would not share. You embody a strength and courage many could only wish to achieve. You harbor wisdom, rare to this age, that the tranquil of the world could never understand. You are resilient in your every move, deliberate in every strike. You invoke fear in your enemies, and inspire worship in those that follow you."_

_She remained silent, absorbing his words, and listened with dedication as he continued._

_"You surprised me," he said quietly, "in every way, and you keep doing so. Do not doubt your resolve. You led us this far, and you will lead us further. You are our Inquisitor in every way. You feel the title was forced upon you, given without you living up to the image, but that could not be further from the truth. These people you gathered, they do not follow you because of your mark anymore. They follow you because you give them hope, a purpose."_

_Ellana really could not find words to answer him. Solas had a way with words that rendered her speechless, but he saw her gratitude in her eyes, and they spent a moment in comfortable silence._

_"Vhenan..." he whispered tenderly, leaning his forehead against her own, his hands cupping her cheeks. She sighed, and felt herself relax against his warm touch, covering his hands with her own._

_Solas placed one of his hands on her lower back, and used his body to topple them over, so she landed with ease on her back. She let out a gasp in surprise at his show of dexterity. He leaned over her, a mischievous look glimmering in his eyes. His fingers traced the contours of her face, starting at her thin brown eyebrows, following the scar that crossed her left eye, given to her by a wolf when she had been reckless hunting with her clan. He continued across her cheekbones, nose, and ended once he reached her plump lips. Her breath got caught in her throat as Solas' intense stare looked at her with wonder._

_"You are so beautiful."_

_**Was this the night?** She had been patient with him, waiting. She sensed his inner war would be over if, or when, they engaged in the most intimate of physical acts. Something disturbed him when she showed that she wanted him; he could not follow her enthusiasm. Ellana never wanted to pressure him or make him uncomfortable. She loved him, and for that, she could wait even if it turned her insides to dust from sheer frustration. This night was different, he took the initiative, eyes filled with a lust that matched her own._

_Ellana struggled to answer, her voice stuck in the back of her throat. Only small gasps managed to escape. He chuckled at her inability to form a single sentence, and kissed her, drowning out her pathetic noises._

_This was not the stoic Solas she knew. He was different. Daring, intense, and sexual. **Perhaps this is the side he keeps hidden?** she wondered._

_**This is something I can get used to,** she mused to herself as their kisses grew more passionate. He was dominant in his touches and frustrated by the layers of clothes. It was lucky she had at least gotten out of her armor for the evening._

_Suddenly, Ellana felt self-conscious. Solas pulled her up to her knees to get her out of her prison of purple leather and lambswool. She would be completely vulnerable for him, and he would see the huge scar across her hip to her right breast – another reminder that one should not be caught alone with wild animals. He would see all her imperfections, every little scar. She wanted this, dreamt of this night for months, but her fear of what he would think of her body terrified her now. She knew the terror was unfounded, that Solas would never hurt her, would never mock the defects on her body, and that she should not care about her body in that way – normally she didn't._

_"Solas..."_

_He must have noticed the tremor in her voice, because when he met her eyes, he paused. "I am sorry. I should not have-"_

_She put a finger to his lips when his hands fell to the sides. "No, it's just...I want to...I-" She could not put words to how she was going to explain to him about her lack of expertise and ridiculous fear. She had only been intimate with one person before in her clan. That was a memory long gone and buried in the past._

_Realization dawn on him as her face turned redder and redder._

_"Ar lath ma, vhenan. Let me be your leader for the night," he whispered._

_He stared at her intently, caressing her cheek. "You possess an understanding I did not think to hear in my time. Your spirit is wondrous. You are… perfection." She couldn't for the life of her find a worthy answer, and he silenced an irrelevant response by capturing her lips with his own. Following his lead and trusting him completely, she succumbed in the sensation, feeling-_

-Ellana woke in a frenzy, feeling her breath catch in her throat as she tried to calm herself. She let out a sigh, noticing her surroundings, and she knew she was safe, although it did not quiet the inane hammering against her chest.

She had dreamt of Solas again. About that night in the Arbor Wilds, the night before they reached the temple of Mythal. It was like a knife to the heart, reliving what had happened. All those feelings of excitement and joy that she remembered every time she woke up, only to have it turn in a bitter sense of longing. It was a cruel trick to her mind, but she kept repeating the dreams like it was the best thing to do.

Cullen was not present, she noticed, as she quickly scanned the room. She wondered how long he remained by her side after she fell asleep. Groaning, she stood up, feeling like she had to retch. And she did just that.

What a lovely way to start the morning.

\----

The Herald barely had time to go far in the Great Hall, which had magically reverted back to its usual appearance during the early energetic hours of the staff, before she was stopped by her ambassador, who had been involved in a conversation with some servants. No doubt about last night. She caught her ambassador's eye and was met with a smile.

"Inquisitor. You seem to feel better today," Josephine's soothing voice called out to Ellana, who let out a very unladylike snort in response. She looked like hell, and they both knew it. Josephine was, as always, too kind to her. The hair Josephine had spent hours to fix was a messy bun in the back of her neck, and the makeup was removed.

"You gave us all quite a fright. Was the Commander able to help?" Her tone was too suspiciously innocent for Ellana's liking. What did people think he was doing? Hitting her with a stick until she fell asleep perhaps? But she could guess what people were saying. It was probably more intimate in nature.

"Yes. Then he ravished me all night long." Josephine stifled a surprised gasp as the Inquisitor gave her a bored look, which briefly turned amused.

"Ah, you were joking. I see, well-" the Antivan cleared her throat, and Ellana swore she saw her cheeks flushing, "-you should know those rumors are actually circulating around Skyhold."

Ellana's eyebrows shot up all the way to her hairline out of shock. "You are joking, I hope?"

"It was beyond even my or Leliana's capabilities to keep it quiet. You know how people are, especially when Orlesians and alcohol are involved." Josephine stepped even closer and whispered to her, "You do know the Commander did not leave your quarters until first light, according to my nightly reports. It does arouse certain suspicion."

Those 'nightly reports' had once resulted in a very flustered Ellana confronting Josephine, wondering how the hell her ambassador knew that she sang Sera's song - extremely off-key she might add - in the middle of the night, outside the keep, drunk on Iron Bull's liquor after she had been playing Wicked Grace with Varric, Bull and Dorian. Needless to say, it obviously did not end well.

_He had stayed that late? Oh, Cullen you sweet, sweet man..._

"It was perfectly innocent. Cullen would not leave a mouse to cry on its own, how could he leave me?"

"He cares about you – I believe that caring exceeds what he feels for mere rodents." Josephine chuckled and Ellana just shook her head with a smile on her lips.

The Inquisitor looked around in the hall and saw there were eyes on her, people murmuring quietly while watching her, and she sighed. "Well, that explains why everyone looks at me like I'm clad head to toe in plaidweave."

The Antivan gasped dramatically, "Imagine the horror!"

"Inquisitor." Both women turned to find Leliana watching both of them with a smile. "I trust you are feeling better today." Ellana nodded at her question.

"And you? Are you ready to change the world?" the elf asked teasingly.

"It will be an interesting time, to say the least. I trust I will have your support regarding the things we have discussed?" Leliana asked carefully, stepping closer to them to avoid any eavesdroppers.

"Of course." She knew of her Orlesian friend's desire to change the situation for mages, the chantry and the circles. How could she disagree with those goals?

"Thank you, my friend." Leliana hugged her then, and Ellana hugged back with all she had, feeling tears prickle dangerously close behind her eyelids. She would miss her spymaster so much once she was gone.

"Be happy, live well. You deserve no less." Leliana whispered in her ear, squeezing tighter one last time before letting go.

Leliana left a few hours after that, and again the days blurred together for Ellana. All of a sudden a week had already gone by. Ellana knew she had been distant, not to mention she had been ignoring some of her duties. Her ambassadors had discreetly taken over during the first month, following Corypheus' defeat, knowing she needed time for herself, needed the rest after Corypheus, but that had to stop now.

Ellana had wondered what life she would lead after she sealed the Breach. She had given it so much thought when Solas had been with them, about their future, but now she had no answer, no path that showed itself to her beyond Skyhold. More than ever, she knew the Inquisition is where her home was. She had come to terms to her role as Inquisitor and now with the peaceful quiet Corypheus left them with, she could perhaps come to enjoy it even more, free from the breath of death, looming over her.

She wanted now more than anything else keep her mind occupied to not distract herself thinking about a certain elven mage. She and Cullen had looked over the recruits that kept coming to the keep like moths to a flame. It was a beautiful thing, to see people finding common ground here, a common goal to work towards, where none was less worth than the other. Here, they were all brothers and sisters in arms.

Despite the rumors that something had transpired between Ellana and her Commander the night of Leliana's feast, they managed to keep it professional, but there was no denying that she and Cullen had been acting a bit more awkward around one another, especially in the vicinity of others. The more they denied the rumors, the more people believed it to be true.

With Josephine, they discussed how to uphold their reputation with both Ferelden and Orlais, keeping their good alliances and trade running smoothly, and how to manage Leliana's role when she was no longer with them.

But no matter how much she tried to keep her hectic mind busy and occupied, she managed to think of him. Every time Josephine had a new report, every time a raven came to the tower she had that stupid linger of hope that this time, she would receive news about Solas.

Ellana knew she shouldn't think about him, but it was hard not to. She shared so much with him, and he had been her comfort in this world. How does someone just recover from that? As upset she was with him - rightly so - she missed him. There were so many questions, and no answers to be found. If even Leliana, with all her resources, could not find him after all these weeks, there was a huge chance that she would never see him again.

Ellana was tapping her foot on the ground and chewing on the nail of her thumb as she paced around in her quarters. She threw up again this morning. And her mood swings were still flippant and unpredictable. The Herald tried to write it off as just being out of it. She told herself that it was her heartbreak that made her feel sick, but she couldn't deny the signs anymore.

She had been so obsessed with distracting herself from thoughts about Solas, that she failed to notice her missed cycle four weeks ago. She hadn't given it further thought then, and only realized this because she actually remembered she was supposed to have it again now...but her cycle had not begun.

She had seen it before, multiple times in her clan. She knew the symptoms, but she never expected it would happen to her.

_Should I worry yet? I have been late before..._

It wouldn't surprise her at all if her bad luck kept following her. _Why wouldn't the one time I allow myself to be happy result in huge consequences?_ She thought sarcastically.

_Don't panic just yet, Ellana. It might be a cold, or, you know..._

Even her mind couldn't come up with reassuring words to make her feel better about her current worry. That night in the Arbor Wilds; had they not been careful? Taken precaution so this sort of thing wouldn't happen?

Ellana went out on the balcony, leaning against the doorframe, looking out over the mountains. She bit her lower lip in an attempt to ease the nasty her stomach was doing.

The rational part of herself knew she had to look this up. For better or worse, she had to know why she was feeling like she was, why she had felt so emotional and been so melodramatic, which was not like her. It would help her to know how to proceed with either situation. Then there was this other irrational side, telling her that she could not possibly be pregnant, that she was worrying for nothing and completely overreacting and she should just give it time.

But she was going insane keeping everything bottled up, not giving voice to her worry. All this thinking made her already dull headache feel so much worse. Perhaps Dorian would help? He was very well educated, and he was her best friend. Surely if anyone could help and be secretive about it, it was him.

She felt momentarily relieved as she stepped down from her quarters out in the hall. Plastering a smile on her face, she gave quick greetings to the nobles, villagers and people of the keep that were in the grand hall. She was also met with a few stares, giggles and hushed whispers that made her want to roll her eyes.

Ellana knew she should probably say something, or at least cast a withering glare to the people gossiping about her, but she could not be bothered.

Did people not have anything better to do than believe she was bedding her Commander?!

Her breath got caught in her throat when she realized she automatically chose the path leading to his rotunda. She tried to avoid this place, not wanting to be haunted by all the memories she cherished. She averted her gaze from the beautiful artwork filling the walls, his tribute to her story. She turned a corner and went up the stairs, hoping her good friend would be there.

Feeling a genuine smile work her lips upwards, she looked at the impeccable mage sitting in a chair before her, his nose in yet another book.

"How did you even know it was me?" she asked, when he put up one finger as if it would halt her movements. He must have heard her approaching.

"For being an elf, my dear Inquisitor, you do sound like a druffalo charging whenever you come into a room. How you sneak up on your enemies, I will never know." He smiled, not looking up from his book, twirling the end of his mustache.

She stifled a laugh. "They probably all suffer from bad hearing."

He staged a dramatic sigh, closed his book, and sent her a mischievous grin.

"Well, if you have to work under Corypheus, that would be no wonder, with all that God nonsense. Happy you proved him wrong there, by the way. Did I ever tell you?" Dorian mused innocently and she rolled her eyes but could not hide her smile.

"I think you did. A few times. But you can, of course, remind me." Laughter rolled off her tongue when she saw his reaction.

"No one likes a show off," he said with a wink "What can I do for you? My spider sense does tell me this is not simply a social call. Or did you miss my dashing self too much? I would understand. Even I can miss myself sometimes." Dorian grinned when he saw her expression.

Ellana rose one eyebrow high in an amused manner. "Wow, do you fart glitter out of that arse of yours?"

Dorian laughed at her comeback. "You know, I would not be surprised if I did." She crossed her arms and chuckled along with him. He approached her so he stood close to her, saying softly;

"Now, really. Is there something you wish to talk about?"

"Yes, there is" she replied, remembering why she had come here. "But not here. I do not wish anyone to pry. My room?"

"My, my, what will people think? Two men in your personal chambers in one week?" he tsked.

"If people could care less about my personal life, that would be great," Ellana replied sardonically, and saw Dorian soften a bit, as he put a hand on her back in comfort.

"Some people just lack the ability to realize that they should not have their noses in your business. You lead the most exciting life and they are on the sidelines. It should not come as a surprise that they gossip about you. It's the closest they can get to you." She smiled at his response and they walked together back to her quarters in silence. Once again, ignoring the stares and whispers thrown their way.

Up in her room, she started to pace again, fiddling with her hands unconsciously. She had no idea why she felt this rattled all of a sudden, but it was hard to express a thought she had not come to terms with herself yet. Voicing it made it so much more real, and there was a part that was scared it would be true.

Dorian merely regarded her curiously, and settled down on her couch, one leg crossing the other in a royal manner.

"I have a favor to ask," she said, trying to sound impassive. She sat down on the side of her bed, but was not able to help the shaking in her leg, so she stood up again, deciding it was best to walk.

"This sounds ominous," Dorian answered lightly, looking at her in amused anticipation.

She laughed shakily, the bitterness rolling off her tongue. "I guess that depends on how you look at it."

"Ellie, whatever you need, you only need to ask."

His grin was meant to be reassuring, and she returned it, but the smile did not reach her eyes. The nickname usually warmed her heart, evoking memories of friends in her clan, but today her anxiety was too great.

Time to grab the druffalo by the horns, so to speak.

"I think I could be pregnant," she blurted out in a rush, not realizing she had been holding her breath.

Dorian blinked once, and then twice, sitting up straight. "I am sorry, can you repeat that? I think I just heard you say you are with child?! But I must have misheard. Clearly." he deadpanned, not letting her out of his sight.

She shook her head in response and Dorian's eyes widened.

"Is it Solas'?"

Now it was her turn to blink in confusion.

"I am sorry, but I have to ask." He hurried to finish the sentence, and gave her a comforting gaze, as he scratched the back of his head. "The way you two left things... it would not be surprising if you sought comfort or pleasure with another, is all I meant."

She nodded absently, and there was an awkward silence. "It would be his," she confirmed.

"You know, I did not think he had it in him," the Tevinter admitted cheekily, trying to lighten the mood, "and I can't believe you didn't say anything about bedding the brooding elf until now!" He looked at her accusingly.

"Ah, yes. Well when the apocalypse comes knocking, it kinda deters me from sharing the juicy details from my sex life with my friends," she retorted sarcastically.

"Well, no time like the present. Was it a satisfying experience?"

"Dorian!" she exclaimed but he just chuckled at her.

"I have a bet with Bull regarding how he would be in bed if you two ever managed to get over all that pent up frustration! He believed Solas was the kind of man who, under all that gracious posture, would prefer to be a dominant partner, perhaps even like to bind-"

Her cheeks reddened immensely as she interrupted, "-can we _please_ get back to the more pressing matter?"

"How sure are you about this?" Dorian asked, seriousness creeping back into his tone as he watched her intently.

"I don't know. I really hope I am wrong. But I can't shake this feeling, you know?" She massaged her hands that were filled with cold sweat, trying to avoid his stare.

"I feel strange and rattled. And I-"

"-have mood swings that would rival a wailing banshee?" he finished happily, but stopped when he saw her glare.

"Yes," she said irritably, "exactly. Do you know any spells that can check or confirm?" Now it was time for Dorian's eyebrows to skyrocket and he choked on a laugh. "Do I look like I specialize in that form of magic? I mean, if you do not know a spell for it, why assume I would?"

She crossed her arms, "I don't dare to ask anyone else. This is a delicate matter, I am sure you would understand," she admitted with a soft sigh. Dorian was truly a big softie under his layer of humor, and he could not help but give her a comforting smile.

He exhaled deeply, raising his arms up in mock surrender. "Fine. I can find out the correct spell. I understand that you feel the need to handle this discreetly."

She brightened immensely by this. She was practically glowing and she threw herself happily in his arms, feeling relieved that he would help her.

"Oh, thank you, my friend."


	3. Revelations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woop, another chapter is here! A big thank you to A'Rion Larent for checking my grammar. And big hugs to both ThirdPretender and Seraphcaeli for editing my horrible grammar and much needed input that made this chapter sooo much better. And without further ado, onwards with the story =)

Ellana let Dorian get to work in the library, and with help from the caretaker, he searched for any books or scrolls on pregnancy detection. Of course, he was sure to turn up the charm so no one would suspect the real intent.

"Shit, you look like you could use a drink," Varric greeted as she walked out from the rotunda.

"You do know it is still morning, right?" She heard him chuckling next to her, meeting her in front of the hearth by his table.

"Figure of speech." The dwarf gave her a warm smile. "After everything we have been through, it would be a normal thing to down a wine bottle each morning, you know."

He winked at her in amusement and she chuckled, "Have you started your book yet?"

"I still need to finish up some other things first before even starting that. Also, I must be crazy for wanting to relive the hell you got us through to get here. A sane man would probably think twice. Not that I am very sane, but I do have a sense of self-preservation."

She agreed, and nodded, staring at the fire. She sensed Varric giving her a penetrating stare, like he was searching her soul. After a moment of silence he asked, "How are you doing, your Inquisitorialness?"

"Well, there is no one trying to kill us at this very moment, so I say that is a plus," she winked, earning light laughter.

"Don't jinx it, Scarlett." Ellana smiled at the nickname, given by Varric the first day they met, in reference to her red curls. "Before you know it, we will be neck-deep in crazy mages, and demons – again," he continued, crossing his arms.

"Life would be boring without those pesky demons to ruffle our feathers," Ellana mused.

"Mine have been ruffled plenty enough for one lifetime," Varric responded lightly.

The Inquisitor stared into the fire, chuckling at the response, her arms hugging herself. She felt that her beloved writer wanted to ask her something else and he gave her one of his special looks. "Have you heard from Solas?"

She tensed at the question, feeling the smile on her lips fade, and shook her head.

"No."

Her friend nodded in response and eyed her again. "Do you want to talk about it?"

She repeated her previous answer, and they stood there in content silence. He patted her back until he had to return to writing letters to Kirkwall. Something about the Merchant's Guild, and Ellana decided to look how the new recruits were doing.

Lavellan took in the beautiful morning, the rays of the sun warming her face, as spring was upon them. She walked down the steps of Skyhold, watching over the courtyard. She leaned against the banner, watching as Cullen trained with the recruits in the compound in the courtyard. She noticed the new addition she had ordered was set up as well. The training ring. Cullen looked frustrated with one of the young men. Cassandra, Blackwall and the Bull stood on the sidelines, enjoying the spectacle. The two men laughed amongst themselves while Cassandra eyed them disapprovingly. Ellana walked silently so as not to interrupt the training and leaned against the railing next to Bull. The Chargers were not present in the training; they were off on a mission with a few Inquisition soldiers in the Dales, where she had sent them to root out a red templar camp.

"Hey, Boss," Iron Bull greeted with a smile.

Blackwall followed in the same fashion, albeit a tad more formal, bowing his head slightly.

"Inquisitor."

His eyes held the same warmth as Bulls. She was happy the two of them were good friends even after the truth was revealed about Blackwall's past. She sensed that Iron Bull knew before any of them knew that Blackwall had not been telling the entire truth when he had joined them long ago. Now that it was out in the open, they had become closer, especially since they trained together.

Cullen was still apprehensive around Blackwall, but it was a good step that he let him join the training program. It had taken some convincing, but Cullen caved when Ellana reasoned with him.

"Inquisitor. How are you feeling?" Cassandra asked, as Ellana watched the Commander thrusting his sword at the recruit, who failed to deflect it correctly. He was impressive to observe. His fighting style held such finesse that it was almost hypnotizing to watch him wield his sword and shield.

"Not being the one to take a beating for a change does brighten my day," Ellana responded, giving the Seeker a smile. Cassandra chuckled.

"I cannot disagree with that. It is good to see the Commander keeping them in check."

"How are they doing?" Ellana asked curiously, nodding towards the recruits. She recognized many of them. Some had joined just this week when she and Cullen had initiated them. Some were as young as eighteen. But she knew many had lost so much during the war between the mages and templars. Corypheus hadn't improved the situation either. Many of these young folks had lost their families and came here in hope of having a new place to call home. She noticed some of the new elven recruits eyed her strangely. She squinted her eyes towards them. Was this some elven thing she did not know?

"The Commander is rough with them, I give him that," Iron Bull started, "but I would be tougher." He winked, nudging Ellana. She rolled her eyes at the bold statement but could not help but chuckle.

"If you had your way, there would not be any recruits left," Cassandra snorted, eyeing the Qunari.

"Well, go hard or go home," the Bull muttered. "Dorian would get me."

"It might be an advantage not to frighten the soldiers into an early grave with the first training they receive." Blackwall agreed with the Nevarran.

"You bunch of sissies." He grunted in an exasperated sigh "Boss, you agree with me, right?"

Ellana rose her eyebrow at Bull. "Fear is good to an extent."

The Bull looked like he had won a big trophy when he heard her words. He looked at Blackwall, and elbowed him.

"A-ha!"

"Too much fear would also result in a very empty Inquisition," she continued, and gave the Qunari an apologetic look.

"Well, you are no fun," he sighed at her.

Blackwall let out a laugh next to him, "Hah! Told you!"

"Ey, you doubt me? Let's go, right here, right now," Iron Bull challenged. Ellana shushed both of them.

"No! If you have to prove how manly you two are, do it somewhere else."

She sighed and turned her head towards Cullen, watching him as he walked up to the young man he was sparring with, and pulled at his shield he held loosely, instructing him how to hold it correctly.

"How about it boss? You want a go in that ring, don't you? Work up a sweat?"

"What? Are you challenging me, Bull?" She said with a hint of authority, giving him a curious look.

She had to admit that she had been itching for some kind of outlet for everything that was worrying her troubled mind.

"I know better than to mess with your magic."

"I do not need magic to beat you, my dear Qunari. I am Dalish. Do you really believe magic is the only weapon I can wield?" Blackwall whistled at her challenge.

"Is that right?" Iron Bull asked back, his voice husky. "Then how come we never seen it before?"

Ellana looked at him for a while, contemplating her next move, and a smug smile worked its way to her lips.

"Let me demonstrate," she quipped, and she whistled to catch Cullen's attention. The whole courtyard went silent as she walked inside the training ring and Cullen looked at her, confusion evident in his features. So did his sparring partner, who bowed and backed away against the railing.

"Do you mind, Commander?"

She heard the crowd buzz with whispers when Cullen and Ellana locked eyes. Ellana knew what most of them talked about and chuckled to herself, Well, let's give them something to talk about, she thought wryly.

Ellana looked at him, with a smirk on her lips, and the Commander responded with a nod. He sheathed his sword and stepped back, never dropping his inquisitive stare from her.

The Herald knew every pair of eyes in the swarm of people looked at her with rapt attention. The worship these people felt for her was so powerful and intimidating sometimes. They followed her like a Mabari in heat when she started to move around, straightening her stance.

"I heard she took out a giant!"

"She's taken down dragons!"

"She even _controlled_ a dragon!"

"I saw her wipe an entire camp of Venatori!"

These were a few of the things Ellana picked up from the burble of voices around them.

"Don't worry, Cullen. I won't set the courtyard on fire," she said with a hint of amusement. Cullen remained silent but he shot her a grin. She looked around the ring and saw the training rack with various weapons, and quirked her lips upwards, as she took one dagger and one sword hanging there, twirling them in her hands. She hadn't held a knife in such a long time, she had almost forgotten the feel of it. But the more she waved them around her, she quickly felt familiar with the tools of war in her hands. Everything she had been taught came back. Some things you never forget; it was imprinted both in body and mind.

"You see, we Dalish live with nature," she began, projecting her voice and silencing the quiet murmurs, still twirling her weapons.

"We must predict it, anticipate it, respect it during our travels. My clan was one family, one giant machine working together towards a common goal. Despite our affinity towards a specific weapon, trade or magic, we all learned to work with all devices at our disposal. Those that wielded magic trained with the hunters like the rest of the clan."

She demonstrated by throwing the dagger with precise accuracy at the target board further back to Cullen's left. It hit right in the middle with perfect force and precision. That earned a few gasps around her and she could not help but to grin.

She had never shown this side to anyone. She didn't have to because she was a mage, and the situation never required it of her.

"It made us stronger, in tune with one another, and we always had each other's backs. It made it much easier to anticipate our enemies' moves as well."

She took the sword in front of her face, so close to her nose she could smell the metallic rust.

"We learned to master our abilities, to hunt as a pack. We learned that the weapon is merely an extension of ourselves. Like a sting on a wasp." She looked around her to find herself a sparring partner and went to a man who had his raven hair in a neat bun, followed by a trimmed, full, black beard. He was fit and tall; Ellana guessed he was in his mid thirties. Fereldan, by the way he was dressed in his armor. He didn't really look like the usual type of recruit Cullen trained. Then she looked more intently and saw the griffons adorning his armor. That would explain the haughty appearance, the trepidation in his eyes, the scars from war clearly written in his face. It was one of Wardens left at Skyhold. He would be a worthy opponent.

The Herald threw the sword to him and he caught it quickly by the hilt. He looked shocked but he gave a slight bow and said calmly, "Your Worship." She bowed in return.

"Who are you, good sir?"

"My name is Edmond, Your Worship." His voice was raspy, like he had not talked for a long time.

"Know your way around a sword?" He nodded at her question and she waved him up the ring. He followed with slight hesitation in his steps.

Ellana clasped her hands behind her back, and looked at Edmond with great interest.

"Show me what you've got." She shut out the noise from the people around her. They must think she had gone mad. The man in front of her frowned deeply, expecting her to at least have a weapon to defend herself with, but she made no move to get one. She just eyed him with a predatory gleam in her eyes.

The crowd eventually fell into a tense silence, watching them with their full attention. From the short moments of inspecting Edmond, she already knew what kind of fighter this man was and as he neared her, raising his sword high, she knew she was right. Her magic was humming to her, singing, begging to make itself known. She would not win this by magic, but it spurred her adrenaline, and she felt it tickle her skin.

Ellana stood still until he was lowering the blade quickly toward her. She jumped quickly to the side as the blade hit the ground, and she felt the powerful breeze from his strength. Edmond was quick with the sword and tried to retaliate by swinging the sword in front of him but she jumped back, then dodged the high blow he threw right after that. She continued to dodge the blows, predicting every movement he made, as he tried to get to her body with his fierce strikes. Eventually she did tire him with her quick reflexes, and she quickly went to the weapon rack, grabbed a pair of daggers and met him face on. As soon as their weapons crashed into one another, the loud ringing echoed around them. It was clear that Edmond was an experienced fighter, by his age, grace, and finesse.

Edmond was familiar with meeting someone with twin blades. Ellana tried to distract him with quick waves but he easily saw them coming as well, dodging the blows with his body and deflecting with his sword. She was impressed by his prowess as he eyed her like a wolf. She simply smiled, feeling her breath become slightly ragged by the battle. It had been too long since she trained with weapons. Her fatigue became apparent when his hilt came unexpectedly to her ribs, but she rolled away, ignoring the pain. It thrilled her, and she used it to fuel her excitement. Standing up, she gave Edmond an impressed nod.

"Haha! This makes me want to fight a dragon. Give him hell, boss!" she heard Iron Bull utter in fierce enthusiasm.

"Edmond fights with honor. He is well experienced in the art of swordplay. I had no idea our Inquisitor was this deadly with daggers!" Blackwall agreed, both of them fascinated by the scene in front of them. Cassandra seemed flabbergasted by the entire spectacle before her.

Edmond came at Ellana again, and soon the air was filled with metal clashing against metal. He surprised her with the brute force in his blows that almost made her deflected with her daggers and moved her body like the wind around him, to make him lose focus on her.

With each blow they increased their pace. They appeared as a blur to the crowd around them. Ellana loved this part. The adrenaline had her heart pumping. She thrilled in that feeling. She felt...alive, and she realized she hadn't felt this way in a long time.

She rolled to Edmond's left as his sword came down hard again where she previously stood. She was on her feet quickly behind the confused warrior. She kicked him behind the knees making him fall in a cry of surprise. She quickly placed the tips of her daggers against the back of his neck, and Edmond dropped his sword in surrender.

"Well played, my lady. This was a honor," Edmond panted. There was admiration in his tone. She chuckled, dropped her swords to the side and helped him up to his feet.

"Thank you for the match, Edmond. The honor is mine. Are you a member of the Wardens?"

He looked slightly surprised but nodded.

"That I am."

She smiled at him. He did remind her of Stroud. She could sense he was an honorable man. The Wardens certainly could use more men of his caliber. Their reputation had been lacking after what happened at Adamant.

"Thank you again. I wish you luck on your travel to Weisshaupt. I know you all are leaving soon." She bowed and he returned the gesture as he stepped out of the ring.

Ellana looked at Iron Bull who, along with all her companions, was staring at her with newfound respect.

"Wow, boss. You got me good there. I'm starting to think you are just lazy throwing your fireballs around when instead you can be in the dirt like the rest of us." He grinned up at her and Blackwall joined in laughter.

"You are just full of surprises, aren't you?" Cassandra asked, her voice filled with warm wonder.

Ellana beamed at them, "Comes in handy if a Templar would get too dangerously close." She looked around her and saw she still had the unyielding attention of everyone around her.

She rose her voice again to address all of them.

"When you all look at me, you would see a girl, if I was not your Inquisitor. A petite, little elf. No apparent threat. Never underestimate your opponent, and watch them intently. Once you have trained long enough, you will be able to predict every move, every outcome, every lethal mistake you can make, and make sure you don't." She looked behind her and saw Cullen looking at her in an entirely different light.

"I'm sorry for the distraction, Commander. I will let you get back to it." She gave him a curt nod and he smiled at her. She had not meant for this display to turn into a lesson.

He cleared his throat, and she gracefully jumped out of the training ring, joining her companions. There were still lots of excited murmurs going around like a blaze in the crowd after what they had just witnessed.

"That's it, the lot of you. Start training. You-" Cullen said with that tone that demanded respect, and he looked at the lad that he had been training with before Ellana interrupted their sparring.

"Get back here. You are still sloppy with that thrust."

Soon enough they all reverted their attention to the training. The buzz around them got loud as people resumed their duties and the Inquisitor watched the training in comfortable silence with her comrades.

"You are not holding it right. Be light on your feet. Lose focus for even one second and you will have a sword going through your ribs. Now come at me, again!"

Ellana chuckled seeing how serious her Commander looked. He was dedicated to getting these lads in their best shape. Her chuckle must have distracted him, because as he looked up at her with a soft smile, the recruit's shield hit him hard in the face and knocked him to the ground.

Ellana gasped and rushed inside the training circle.

Cassandra wanted to follow the Inquisitor, but Iron Bull took her arm discreetly and shook his head at her confused look. He looked pointedly at the Herald and Commander, saying with his eyes and a smirk that she should leave them alone.

"Inquisitor," the recruits mumbled out of courtesy and saluted as she kneeled in front of her fallen commander with the rest of them.

Cullen let out a grunt as he covered his nose. She saw some blood dripping from his hand, as he mumbled, "I am fine."

"Are you alright Cullen?"

He hissed in pain, but shook his head. "Don't worry about me. I should not be so easily distracted." He smiled gently to her, making her rose up and looked at the recruit, who looked like he wanted the ground to swallow him whole.

"You were still sloppy with that thrust. Hold your arm closer to your chest, and use your body as a ram, not your wrist. But it was an improvement. Now, continue to practice. All of you, dismissed. Blackwall and Iron Bull, I leave them in your care!"

Cullen turned to Ellana, and started to walk across the courtyard to go to his quarters. "I need to clean this up. Did you need something?"

She walked beside him."No, I just enjoyed watching you rattle these poor people."

He let out a soft laugh. "Just because Corypheus is no longer a threat, does not mean we can begin to relax too much. This is still the Inquisition, and if I know our luck, something will swoop down upon us eventually."

"Yes, well, swooping is bad," Ellana smirked. "Do you need help with your nose?"

It was still dripping from his hand. "I should have some linen cloth in my office to stop the bleeding. I don't think anything is broken." He spoke softly, "Although I would not mind the company." She could swear his ears grew three shades redder. She couldn't help but grin. It was sweet. "I would be a poor leader to deny my Commander his request," she teased.

As they reached his office, he rummaged through a chest, and retrieved some cloth to put on his nose. Raising his head high, he took off his bloodied glove.

He struggled a bit and Ellana walked to his aid, holding his back.

"Here, sit down. Let me help."

Cullen did not argue, and sat down obediently, letting Ellana take the cloth and try to stop the bleeding.

"It looks worse than it feels" she heard him murmur, a bit embarrassed.

She inspected the wound. "If you would like, I can try healing it for you. I am by no means as good as-" She almost said Solas' name, but shut her mouth tight. "But I have mended a few broken bones before." The elf knew the commander had issues with magic - he was a former templar after all - and while they barely discussed her being a mage, she sensed this was a sensitive subject for both of them.

His answer surprised her.

"I trust _you._ " Her eyebrows rose at his admission, and she felt heat creep to her cheeks.

"You will feel a little sting," she murmured, as she focused her energy in her fingertips and reached up to his bruised nose. Letting that focus transfer to Cullen, she felt the swelling reducing. He let out a little sigh as she finished. She leaned down to inspect her work and smiled.

"There, all done," she said as Cullen stood up, and only then did she realize how close they were to each other.

"Thank you."

The tension was suddenly palpable and everything seemed to have gone quiet. Her heart started to beat quicker of its own accord. Why, she had no idea. Was it because the rumors people started about them had actually got into her head? He gently woke her from her busy brain as both his hands caressed her arms. When did he become so tall? Or was she always this short?

"Are you alright?" he asked

His hands were warm on her sides, and Ellana realized now how starved she was for physical touch. She had felt so alone when Solas departed from her. There was a tense silence. Neither of them knew how to proceed from here.

"Cullen..." she started, but didn't know how to continue. She was supposed to say her goodbyes, and leave this room. But it called to her like a siren to just lean into him, to be held by him like he held her before. But she was the Inquisitor. She couldn't let herself be weak whenever she felt like it. She could not put that on Cullen. No matter how good it would feel. But the moment she was going to excuse herself, the former templar made a move towards her.

The Commander must have read her mind because he took hold of her back with one hand and the other cradled behind her head and pulled her in gently to his chest. He had understood her silent need for comfort, and her sorrow. It felt different from when Dorian hugged her. Dorian was platonic, which made their friendship so easy, but Cullen and her...

Cullen's scent was different. Solas always smelled like fresh parchment, a hint of green tea and forest after a rainy day. Cullen however smelled heavily like leather, stables with a faint fragrance of vanilla overlaying it. She never really noticed this before, and wondered if it was her nose being sensitive or if Cullen used some kind of oil around his neck. It was an alluring scent nonetheless.

His arms held her tightly, and he brushed a finger through her hair. She had no idea how long they stood there, but it was a sweet escape from the prison of her feelings. She felt her pain wash away as the silent tears fell from her eyes, until there were none left to fall.

She cocked her head slightly back to step away from his touch but found herself speechless when Cullen's gaze locked with her own and she could see the adoration in his eyes.

Green met brown. Her posture went rigid. Josephine and Leliana had both hinted that Cullen cared for her, in a way that surpassed a simple concern as her Commander, but she had not listened. She had not even considered the possibility. Perhaps it was still her imagination?

Solas' face flashed in front of her in a distant memory, taunting her, her heart reminded the ache he left behind, and she jumped back as if fire had erupted where she previously stood.

"I have taken quite enough of your time, Commander." She turned to leave. She had to get out of here. The room felt like it wanted to swallow her whole all of a sudden.

"Ellana..." he started softly, but Ellana tuned him out and fled as if an army of Venatori were on her trail. She felt a dire need to get some fresh air. What was happening to her? She almost bumped into a messenger outside Cullen's quarters.

"Inquisitor. Master Pavus is waiting for you. We sent him to your quarters. He said it was urgent and private."

"Thank you," Ellana said, and with quick, nervous steps she went back to her own chambers.

Ellana found Dorian leaning against the balcony door with his arms crossed.

"Well, that was easier than expected," he started with a click of his tongue.

"Did you know the Inquisition had more than hundred books regarding the best ways to become pregnant? How to increase fertility? What position is the best one to use? It is almost like people want us to breed into an army," Dorian snorted incredulously, "and yet I still had to scamper the world to get a decent book on Corypheus."

Her lips curled upwards in amusement at his revelation. Why was that not surprising?

"Were there any spells?"

"Well, the Circle probably doesn't want to share knowledge like that on a whim. They are quite prude as you very well know. But yes, there is one scroll that Fiona came with from her circle that I came across. Doesn't seem to complicated."

She nodded, feeling the bile rise up in her throat as she knew she would soon know the truth.

"Are you ready?"

She shook her head. "No, not really," she whispered, feeling sweat trickling down her forehead from the anticipation. She was usually so composed in the face of danger. But this was an entire different kind of danger and she really did not know how to handle it. Did anyone? How was one supposed to deal with situation?

"Ellie..."

"But I know I need to do this. That I need to know..." She stood up again, pacing. "But what if I am, Dorian? What do I do?" she whispered, realizing her world would drastically change if she was pregnant.

She was terrified, so scared of what the future would hold for her. What would this mean for her? Mean for the Inquisition? She started to chew on the nail of her thumb to relieve a tiny bit of her feelings. It really had become a nasty habit.

Dorian nodded in understanding, and rose up to stop her incessant walking. He looked her in the eyes.

"You can do this, Ellana," he said confidently, gripping her arms firmly in reassurance. He took a deep breath, led her to sit down at the side of her bed, and kneeled in front of her. She gave him a weak smile, and nodded.

"Okay. I am ready."

Dorian focused his attention to her belly, illuminating blue light glowed from his hands and circled around her stomach. He murmured a few words, and the blue glow turned purple.

There was a moment of tense silence, and as soon she looked in his eyes, she felt the last glimmer of hope squashed. Then he confirmed the worst as he nodded.

She was with child.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realize these chapters are long and pretty much Solas absent right now, but I promise he will show up soon! But this is a long story, and the triangle will come forward as well, but it has to make sense you know, but everything WILL happen, just hope you enjoy the ride so far.
> 
> AN2: Was soooooo nervous writing the fighting scene, I think it was the first serious one I have written. I was very inspired by GoT and Gladiator that spurred me to write it. Hope it wasn't to horrid.
> 
> AN3: Thanks for all the kudos. They make my withered heart come alive. Please let me know what you thought of this chapter =)
> 
> AN4: Nobody missed the Alistair reference, right? :p


	4. Gravity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Thank you again for the kudos, subscriptions and bookmarks and the reviews. They make me so happy =) Now for this chapter I had no beta to check it but one of my friends was superhelpful to check the chapter at least for the worst errors so sorry in advance for grammatical errors etc. 
> 
> Another more happy note for those that finished Inquisiton and Trespasser and want to build up the hype, I made a video for Dragon Age and Solas/Lavellan =) would be happy if you checked it out. 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ALbntBfNhdw

To quote Varric - _Well, shit._

She felt this terrorizing, cold shiver crawling up her spine. 

_This cannot be happening, this cannot be happening!_

Her throat suddenly contracted as if stuffed with gravel, unable to form a single sentence as her brain battled the news like a hammer hitting on a nail repeatingly. Her hands went damp and she didn't even register as Dorian's warm ones enveloped her own in comfort.

Her breaths became increasingly shallow, intensifying the knots in her stomach. She could not meet Dorian's worried gaze and stared on the wooden floor tile like it was the most interesting thing that was before her.

_I'm pregnant? I can't be pregnant. We were careful! How did this happen?! Oh, gods, I am not ready..._

Dorian squeezed her hands but she could not react to to his touch. If she did, she would have to face the truth, and right now, being comatose was the best comfort she could offer herself.

Funny thing was that, in another world this could have been happy news. If Solas was here, how would he react? Would he be terrified? Happy? She quietened the thoughts. It would lead to nothing good.

”Ellana,” Dorian whispered, taking a tress of her hair and tucking it behind her ear.

“Varric's chest hair. _Varric. Rug. Of. Chest. Hair._ ” She blinked, pulled effectively out of her reverie, and blurted out laughing at Dorian's ridiculous statement. “Good. I almost had to resort to tell you just how well endowed our dear Bull is. That would wake anyone out of a coma.” He smiled victoriously and she gave him a tired but amused look.

”Can you check again? This must be wrong. It has to be.” She whispered. Dorian tried to smile and repeated the procedure, seeing the same result and the look on his face told her everything.

She nodded, her skin turning a shade whiter but portrayed nothing, and Dorian did nothing else but hold her hands. She bit the inside of the cheek, and steeled herself, not wanting Dorian to see her warring with herself. He had done so much already. Unfortunaly it seemed, Dorian knew this.

”Don't do this, Ellie. Don't shut me out.” He whispered. She took a deep breath, harderning her gaze as she looked at her closest friend so he would not be able to find anything in her green eyes.

”I need to be alone, Dorian.” She said, her voice almost betraying the chaos her mind battled with. She did not wish it upon her worst enemy to see her crying.

”I do not abandon the people I care about.” He responded just as softly as she grimaced, before letting out a shaky gasp.

There was a knock downstairs, demanding the Inquisitor's attention and made the impeccable mage in front of her let out a frustrated sigh.

”You stay here. I will answer that with an unyielding vengance, but this is not final, Ellana.” He stood up and went down the stairs with hurried steps.

The Herald sat frozen, as if time went unbelievably slow as she heard the door opening to her room. She had not even realized that she clenched her fists so tightly they turned white.

_How could this have happened? Why?! Why now of all times?_

Ellana slowly stood up from her bed and her steps felt heavy like chains wrapped around her ankles. Her hands dragged through her hair and effectively tore her wild red hair loose from the bun, looking at the mountains in the distance from the open balcony.

Ellana stopped when she saw her reflection in the mirror and stared at herself. Gone was the happiness and thrill she previously enjoyed that day at the courtyard. Gone was the hope that this was simply a sickness that would be cured by potions. Gone was the hope of ever be able to move on. 

_Where are you, Solas? You have no idea how much I need you right now. Please come back. Please, please, please..._

She could not stand the woman looking back at her in the mirror. A hollow version of herself. Pale and sweat glistening on her forehead, she fought the urge to throw up. She punched the glass, letting out a wretched scream, feeling the momentary satisfaction of seeing it break into a thousand pieces. She saw the shards flying like snowflakes before landing all over her room. This was the final straw, the final thing that threw her off the edge. Tears were flowing freely down her cheeks, she could barely register all the impulses her body was doing to herself as her mind was still in the process of coming to terms with this new reality.

_I'm not ready..._

This revelation brought back os many memories and feelings she tried to bury deep inside her, but now it felt like someone smashed that door wide opened and she could not do anything but let the cataclysm of her emotions take over her.

She didn't register the warm liquid dripping from her hand, when she pierced her skin in a fit of rage. Looking down, she saw she cut deeply between two knuckles.

_This is not how a leader should behave,_ she scolded mentally, _how can people ever follow you, trust you if you cannot even control your impulses,_ she reprimanded herself by looking at the damage she caused.

”Maker's breath, Ellie...” She had not even heard that Dorian had come back to the room. He hurried over to her, taking a moment to take in what she had done. He saw the shattered mirror, the bloodied hand, the pool of red liquid next to her feet.

”Good riddance. That mirror was almost as astrocious as Bull's trousers. Sometimes I wonder if he has stolen them from an Orlesian circus,” he tried to joke and her lips twitched a bit. 

”Give me your hand.” She obligied and he pulled her gently away from the mirror to the other side of the bed, away from any sharp pieces lying on the ground. Dorian cursed in his native tongue and Ellana blushed as he examined the small cuts and the big wound that was still dripping blood. She winced, feeling the pain as he tugged at her hand.

”It is not as bad as it looks,” Ellana finally said, and Dorian stared at her. ”No of course not. It is not as bad as the only fitting thing you think of doing is punching the mirror. Next time you feel the need to unleash your anger towards an object that can potientally hurt you....don't.” He scolded her gently but it did not help from the blush turning redder.

”Hold still...” She felt warmth envelop her hand, intensifying where her skin was split, his mana surging through, and then it dissapated. There was still blood covering most of her skin but the pain was gone and she smiled at him, ”thank you, Dorian,” and went to her washing bucket in the small room behind her bed, and began rinsing of the residue.

Dorian stood still, his arms crossed, examining the scene in front of him, ”if you wish to keep this quiet, you could say you tripped and fell on it. It is a plan.”

”With what, my head?”

”I did not say it was a _perfect_ plan.”

Ellana shook her head, ”I will figure something out.” She said as she took a dry towel and rubbed it against on her hand and went out in her room and sat down on the bed.

”Talk to me, Ellie. I can practically see the cogwheels turning in your head.” 

Her lower lip trembled, her eyes filling up with water, “Oh, Dorian. What do I do? What should I do? I-I am not ready for a child. Imagine me, a mother?!” She buried her face in her hands an Dorian pulled her body to her, hugging her.

“Well, we could get drunk on fereldan wine and drink our sorrows away...or,” He tilted his head back with his trademark smirk, “you will get through this like you always do.” He said, as she shivered in his arms.

”This will change everything. There is still so much too do, so many people counting on us. What about the Inquisiton? And what about Solas? He needs to know. I...” She was trying to find words to finish her sentence but instead a whimper escaped her lips.

He shushed her gently, caressing her hair, Andraste's knickers, how does this woman manage to keep her curls so smooth?! “you do not owe him anything.” He firmly said. Ellana was quiet for a while, “I know.” There was a heavy silence lingering in the room, where she rubbed her hands on her knees in attempt to remove the sweat on her palms.

“But I _want_ him here...”

Perhaps if he knew, he would come back. Everything would be different, the incessant hopeful voice in her head spoke.

“If I really have too, I can commit a fashion suicide by shaving my head for you.” Dorian said dramatically and smiled to himself when he heard her soft laughter. “Even the moustache?” 

“Please, the moustache has not done anything wrong. It deserves a better fate. I believe a part of my soul will die if it is separated from me.” He whispered, twirling the trimmed hair, and it only spurred her laughter.

He needed to say the part that was nagging his brain even if it was not pleasant, “My dear, if you keep it, I will be here. I will not go home. My _beloved_ father can just stuff himself with cakes until he chokes. I will stay here with you if you would wish it of me. If you don't want to keep....” He trailed off, sensing that she tensed, listening intently on what he would say next, “then I will help you with that too.”

There was an eerie silence in the room, the only noise was the slight creaking from the floorboard beneath them and the whistling in the wind.

Ellana stepped away from him, “I can't....” She shook her head, “I can't “ She repeated softly. “It's a part of _him_ in here.” She pointed towards her belly, looking agitated and terrified at the same time, “and a part of me. I've only known for a few minutes but....it's already beyond precious for me. I could never...”

She turned against the window, eyeing the horizon hiding behind the mountains, following with her eyes a pair of birds flying. Dorian came up behind her, and put his hands on her shoulders, calming her down, “you will not be alone in this.”

“Oh, gods! I'm going to be a mother! What if I have a boy?! I don't know what to do with a boy? He will just pee on me and want to play in the dirt! Do I let him play in the dirt?! Well he should! I mean dirt is part of my heritage!! What if it is a girl?!Will she want to dress up in pretty dresses?! Do I make the dresses? I don't know how to sew a pretty dress! Or do I teach him or her the way of the dalish? Should I? What clan would accept a barefaced mother?! I shouldn't even care if I have a boy or a girl! Oh, I'm going to be a horrible mother!”

Dorian could not help but to laugh at Ellana's breakdown that was completely unfounded and completely ridiculous.

”My, my, aren't we dramatic today?” He said, grinning when she sent him a withering look.

“I have to tell everyone, don't I?” Sudden realization dawning on her, turning her skin white as she had seen a ghost.

Dorian chuckled, “unless you want to surprise everyone once your belly will make you tip over.” He joked, earning a shove to the side, “Ow, mind the artwork.” He sniffed in that aristocratic way, rubbing his ribs, making her roll her eyes.

Her mind wondered to memories of her former lover, and it was strange to feel the flutter of her heart skip a beat at the same time her stomach twisted itself over, causing a nauseous reaction.

”Did you know he saved my life?” She said after a moment of silence, and Dorian seemed stunned at her words. She had never really shared any details regarding her and Solas with anyone – especially not after what happened in the grove.

”When I was rescued from the temple. He was the one keeping me alive. I found out the first time I met him –”

_”--My name is Solas, if there are to be introductions. I am pleased to see you still live.” Ellana looked at the elven stranger. He seemed to behold her with great interest, his eyes flickering to where her anchor flared. Her hand was still pulsating from the mana he surged through her, aiding her to close the rift. She never experienced anything of the like._

_”He means, he kept that mark from killing you while you slept.” Varric replied cheekily and Ellana turned her head towards Solas yet again, fascination coming over her, and gratitude...He was the reason she lived. --_

”--Cassandra threatened him with his life if he didn't bring results to whatever magic that caused the anchor. He could have slipped away, escaped, he was very well tempted but in the end he stayed.” She chuckled and Dorian joined in. ”Of course she did. Who hasn't Cassandra threatened with their lives?” Dorian said.

Ellana smiled, and Dorian turned her around, putting a finger under her chin. ”Ready to talk about it? It will do you good.” He said, knowing from his own experiences with Ellana that he did feel better once he had opened up to her about his own demons, and knew she needed it even if she could not see it herself.

With a heavy sigh, Ellana began her story, not having the strength to argue. ”I was fascinated with him. He seemed to have so much knowledge about a great many things. I was intrigued, and I guess I felt I owed him for keeping me alive. I could not keep away, wanting to learn more about the fade, the history of my people. Before I knew it, I was falling for him.” Ellana sighed, pulled a hand through her hair. ”After Haven fell, and we found Skyhold, he seemed to lessen his guard for just a moment and we kissed--”

_-”And right then, I felt the whole world change.”_

_Ellana could not help but blush at his choice of words, ”felt the whole world change?” She asked, her voice dropping slightly. He had given her the perfect opportunity to see if he at all felt a slimmer of what she felt towards him._

_”A figure of speech.”_

_”I am aware of the metaphor. I am more interested in felt.” She walked up slowy towards him, and she saw him stiffen, but he was not backing away, and his eyes darkened for just a moment, a sense of trepidation filling his handsome face. ”You change...everything.” He said as she got closer, the anticipation made her nervous to be this close to him, for different reasons than before._

_”Sweet talker...” Despite feeling the nervousness would surely kill her, she thought to herself that you only live once, and this way she would know if he felt something for her too._

_So she grabbed him by the neck, turned his surprised head and leaned into him and captured his lips with hers. He seemed shocked for just a milisecond before he returned it with equal fervor. The kiss made the already amplified tingles inside her warp to a higher level, feeling every nerve buzz and her legs turning into jelly. She didn't want to pressure him, or make him feel uncomfortable and pulled away from him, but was beyond ecstatic when he didn't let her. She felt giddy, like a teenager receving the first kiss from the boy she liked and she felt silly for letting her emotions overcome her so. But he felt different...--_

”--But when I visited him afterwards, he tried to keep me at arm's length again. Saying the kiss was impulsive and ill considered and he should not encourage it. I was hurt but I wasn't about to force myself on to him, so I agreed. We remained friends, though it was hard to forget the kiss, but he taught me many things, showed me history I thought was lost. Months passed by, and I enjoyed his company as a friend, a teacher of sorts.--”

_”--Are you afraid, da'len?” Solas asked her when they were on their way back to Skyhold after Adamant._

_”Of course, I am. I would be stupid to not be. I have an immortal, pissed off magister wanting to kill me. With a dragon at its back I might add. But I will never let that fear conquer me.”_

_Solas gave her an inquisitive stare, ”fear can be an impressive tool, if one knows how to wield it. It can break you if you let it, or make you into an unstoppable force of nature.”_

_”What do you see when you look at me, I wonder.” Ellana said, and clasped her mouth shut. That was supposed to be a thought but he could not hide the little smile building on his lips._

_”I see a great many things, Inquisitor. But I wll not bore you with such details.” She quirked an eyebrow at his vague answer but did not pursue the matter.--_

”-- And then his friend died....” Dorian nodded. He remembered the rescue mission. He had never seen Solas that angry before, the man was the definition of composure and how he had burned the mages alive. Even if they broke the bonds, it was too late to save his friend.

Ellana tried to smile, staring in the far distance, cluthed her belly as she recalled the day Solas returned to Skyhold. How happy she had been despite the cirumstances.

”Everything changed when he returned.”--

_”--You are not what I expected.” Solas said when they were on her balcony. He looked like he did not know what to make of her. Like she was this huge puzzle, and he was missing the pieces._

_”What did you expect?” She asked softly, touching the stone, distracting her gaze from him. She was not the enigma here. He was._

_”Not someone who showed great respect for the past, such wisdom in your actions, I have not seen such understanding since....” She rose her eyebrows at his silence, ”since my deepest journey in the fade.”_

_”Have I misjudged the dalish so, or is your spirit extraordinary to your kind?” He asked, it seemed almost he asked himself rather than her._

_She scoffed lightly, ”most dalish care more to impress other hunters, and unify in their hatred for humans from what I have seen when my clan met with others. My clan however, we taught that nobody was less worth than the other, unless proven so. We never tried to impress each other, we always worked together. I think you would actually like our keeper.” Ellana said, her voice quiet, missing her family._

_”Perhaps I would, she raised you such as you are.” He agreed quietly._

_He approached her with a few steps and she could not do anything else but watch him intently, not able to quell the hopeful linger that latched on to her since they had kissed last time. He looked very much like he had that time. She would not be fooling herself that she wished for them to continue down that path and felt suddenly very nervous._

_”You have shown me what I thought was impossible to find in this world. People often fail too see what is beyond their own greed and selfishness, but not you.” He tilted his head and she felt her cheeks turn so hot, one would burn on them right now._

_”So what does that mean, Solas?”_

_”It means I have not forgotten the kiss...--”_

\--That kiss changed everything between them and he declared his love for her. Dorian sat next to her, putting one hand around her shoulders and just took hold of her hand with the other. ”You know, I actually haven't talked to anyone about us.”

”I saw how happy he made you. You two were not as discreet as you might think.” Dorian humoured her, and she laughed between the tears that fell silently on her cheeks. ”Perhaps not.”

”I know it is not my place to ask, but what happened between you two?” He asked carefully and she stared at nothing in particular. She saw the scene play out before her, in perfect clarity like the moment it actually had happened---

_“--Tell me you don't care!” She spat, tears brimming her eyes, blocking her eyesight which she was thankful for at the moment. She could not stand looking at him, fearing it would physically tear her heart apart. She could already feel it pulling at its seams, the blood pumping through her, rubbing achingly against every vein._

_“I can't do that.”_

_“But you can break my heart? I don't understand, help me understand!” She pleaded in a last attempt of desperation, trying to give him one last chance._

_There was a moment of silence, and her anger got the better of her when he remained silent. She took a deep breath, albeit trembling, trying to get her feelings under control, before luring demons to her, her anchor did that enough for her in her dreams._

_“Tell me I meant nothing to you. That I was some casual dalliance.” She forced him to look at her, exposing the misery that danced in his eyes. She deserved him at least looking her in the eye when he crushed her._

_“No.” His voice was weak, thick with emotion._

_“Tell me I meant nothing so I can call you a cold-hearted son of a bitch and move on.” She spat and with a final push she turned and left, but not without hearing his crestfallen response._

_“I am sorry.--”_

”--He told me the truth about my markings, what they actually represented, so I asked him to remove them and then...He ended it.” She finished.

Ellana sniffed lightly, ”Thank you for listening, Dorian. It felt good to talk about this.” She told him the truth, it was like a big stone lifting from her chest. Just to have someone know everything she was going through. 

She whispered against his shoulder, “you know. I always wanted a family. With the man I loved, I did imagine it. I dreamt about it but it was in a distant future....not like this. Never like this....” And she sobbed and quaked in the Tevinter's arms.

Dorian held her tighter, ”I know, my dear. I know.”

“Thank you. For everything. I think I need some rest.” He eyed her warily. “Are you certain?” She nodded and smiled reassuringly. “I just need some time for myself.” She was exhausted after everything she just told him.

”You won't go around and break anything else?” He quipped and she nodded, ”I promise.”

“You know where to find me.” Dorian said, squeezing her hand gently and left her quarters.

As soon she heard the door to her room close downstairs, everything froze for her. The only thing she could hear was the panicked heartbeats, and tried to calm herself.

She was going to have a baby, she was going to become a mother. 

_Oh, get a grip!_

But Ellana really couldn't. She could not help to feel the heightend emotions warping around in her mind, her body. The new inevitable reality she would now have to come to terms with. She cradled herself at the foot of the bed, coming to terms with how her life would very much change.

She had no clan to help her. No Solas here. In this moment, she had never felt this alone in her entire life.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you like it, stay tuned for the next chapter ^^


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